You Might Also Like
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
There are usually two types of merchants.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.