I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
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ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
How it started How it’s going
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.