My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
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My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.