[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
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Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.