a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
You Might Also Like
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket