Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
You Might Also Like
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I already tried new things thanks.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.