Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
no one ever comes back
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.