tinder profile where the fish is holding me
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[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with