If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
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Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?