I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
the icebreaker
I don’t know what to do
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*