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When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”