me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.