Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen