lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
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Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
dutch so unserious