If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.