I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
the three branches of government
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.