No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
best first i’ve ever seen
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.