I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
These are my roll models.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.