Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
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obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Thoughts
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.