You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
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For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.