“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
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Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
is it earth
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.