The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
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me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.