True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
tis the season
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My love language is deader than Latin