I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
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I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.