My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
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Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I finally found a reason to live again.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
That eye roll….
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.