HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
You Might Also Like
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Jogging
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time