Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
You Might Also Like
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
i really liked this one
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders