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When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
me, too, girl. me, too.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
*updates tinder bio*
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions