if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
#MeanwhileinCanada
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk