until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
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Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Why I divorced her.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.