Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
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regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
what?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?