Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
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[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.