Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Krampus.