So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
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Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Never forget.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.