I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
(Jupiter –
The opposite of Iceland is water water
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.