What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
house sitting!
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do