Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.