*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
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When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Every photo I’m tagged in
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”