Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
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banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
We’ve all been there
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO