My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
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Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Straight people are cancelled
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I feel it