Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

he looks great for his age

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

Stonehinge

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”