My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
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Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp