ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
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every single time
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
welcome back
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic