We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
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me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.