[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
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Why would I want to fund a crowd?
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
HOW DARE YOU
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.