Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
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DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
When he asks for feet pics
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?