they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
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[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
three things we don’t talk about
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past