Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
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Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
why am I working on Labor Day
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.