First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner