You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight